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Do you need Heart? Take Saffa Cricket Fans’ Heart

25 Mar

Are you suffering with Cardiomyopathy, Cardiomegaly, Floppy Valvular diseases, Endocarditis, Heart Failure, or Myocardial Ischemia and suffering from any irreversible heart damage?

Are you in need of new heart?

Take South African Cricket fans heart.

It will be Super Healthy and most tolerable heart on the planet.

I don’t want to go through statical analysis on their sudden lack of Oxygen to vital organs due to sudden irreversible squeeze of …

Well, what ever…

Just make sure you understand the immense strength of South African Heart.

Strong. Athletic. Totally immune to any hypoxic injuries. Especially Suffocating one.

Now, make sure that heart is not the heart of any of their Cricketers.

Because that would be bad transplantation.

As history suggests, SA players have the weakest hearts on the planet but their fans have strongest heart.

Yes Yes .. It’s ironic. But it’s truth. All the testings were done through out WC history, is right there in front of you.

So, Donate your heart if you are South African fan, I mean sign up for donation at least. They are very rare and can lengthen the life for needy ones. If you are not South African fan and are into watch South African cry, then I suggest you to donate your eyes, or at least sign up, because you must be having wicked eye to see that pain without feeling pain for them.

So, in short, best healthy heart award goes to South African Heart.

 

P.S. – if you are compulsive 24/7 meat eater this award is not valid.


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Anti-Anti-Sachin-Fan – My Alternative Story

23 Jan

There was a competition for submitting Alternative Story on http://paddlesweep.net/win-two-copies-of-the-alternative-cricket-almanack-up-for-grabs/ hosted by @mspr1nt aka Ms. Print and @MI5HRA aka Ankit Mishra on @paddlesweep.

I e-mailed them story, since it was quite a story. The book I suppose to compete for is by @AltCricket, you can find them here http://AlternativeCricket.com . Once I get the book I will do review post. So, apparently, I was one of the fortunate to win a Book. Why? Well, you can find out by reading my story below. 🙂

My Alternative Cricket Story.

Have you ever day dreamed?

I do it all the time, in fact, I have PhD degree in day dreaming. And because of that PhD degree, I have hard time concentrating on my normal easily achieved M.D. degree. My, this story might not qualify for being ‘alternative’ because there are thousands of competitors each day dreaming something should happen before the cricket match begin.

Last 5-7 years, have been very sad years for being Sachin fan.

“Wooohhhh Dude did you just say SACHIN”, now already I can see, few people have already clicked red X button and started to browse cricinfo, or their twitter account.

Now, see this is what I am talking about. It’s been extremely difficult to survive as a Sachin’s fan. And expectation we dream of everyday. People laugh on us. As soon as you tell them,

‘Hey, I am big Sachin fan’, they say, Ughhh they start to puke on your hand and your face. I wipe that face, and trying to explain, why I am Sachin fan, they again try hard to defecate, since they drink less water before going to bed, or less fiber rich food, ergo they put their constipated poop right in front of my mouth.

And I miserably swallow that and hope that my stomach and esophagus don’t rupture due to retching, since they reject that puke and poop.

A great man once have said, “ Sachin’s fans think, Sachin’s fart is like meteor” or something like that.

Do you know, how many kind of people I have to deal with, who hates certain kind of people ,so eventually they hate Sachin, everyday!

Those, who are SMG hater: For some reason (out of blue haha not exactly) SMG announced Sachin should have all records of batting, now people who hated SMG at some point, hate Sachin for no reason. Each runs he makes ‘people will say, see see he is doing exactly what SMG have told him, see see! I tried to argue but Sachin is more attacking ODI! t20! aggression! and  much more humble he is nothing like him, they reply SHUT UP JuSt SHUT up. We HATE smg ergo We HATE Sachin. PERIOD.

Those, who are Computer Software Hardware Dataware Analyst Engineers: These kinds of people have become BIG headache for Sachin fan like me, they usually have basement or one room with 2-3 computers, with high-speed internet, a bit chubby, and very ugly people, who have rarely seen light or played freezbe with their Dog. They come up with some analysis and stats for past 1000 years and history with even Aliens who explained Egyptian how to play cricket, they eventually declare Sachin was never great batsman. Or on the contrary Sachin was the greatest batsman. As soon as people hear this, they just start puke and poop on my face.

Those, who always negate everything whatever you have to say: These are ‘special’ ‘unique’ ‘Judgmental’ ‘Genius viewer of the game’ ‘Pure Species’ ‘THE most Neutral Game Watcher’ kind of people. They will never accept with your opinion. They will come up with something drastic or WOW factor of the game. And they have their own fan base, so as soon as Sachin scores, they come up with special judgment, and their fan base start ‘poop and puke’ all over again right in front of my mouth.

Those, who hates regionalism: They hate regionalism so much, even I hate it, but these individual ‘HATE’ everyone who are from that particular part of the world. They even forget that it’s not Sachin’s fault to be born where lot of poop thing has been done because of some shit politician. What is Sachin fault where he is born and speak same mother tongue as some random douche politician!! So, people who hates individual from that part of world, they hate even Sachin, and throw poop and puke in front of my mouth.

Those, who are atheist: I myself don’t believe there is God, I believe in my parents and my culture. But, certain fanatics, start claiming Sachin = God the Cricket God, those atheist’ blood boils, they just hate the concept of God. I hate it too. But, they just hate the concept so much (since lot of shit has been done because of concept) they hate Sachin, they throw poop and puke at me.

Those, who think he plays for record and not for  the team: These people are worst of all. Whenever, I hear something like that my RBC die prematurely, I become anemic. I feel cold. Still, I can’t cry being man, doing martial art, and being martial art fan. I just can’t cry. (I haven’t cried for last 15 years) So, what happens is, I might have got hidden ulcer about to tear. Or aneurysm about to appear. HOW ON THESE Bleeding Violent Deforesting earth scoring runs going to team’s total looks like he is playing for himself? Sometimes, I feel like let’s just cancel all his runs and request those basement Software engineers to run a software that shows how many times India would have lost the match miserably if it wasn’t for him.

So, you see in this of modern days, it has become extremely difficult to survive as Sachin fan. I can’t tweet, I can’t blog about him often, I can’t show my happiness every time he scores. I can’t yell Sachin….. Sachin ……Sachin people look at me and say

“Dude, are you suffering from something”.

I reply, “no I am just supporting. I am just happy”

“DUDE JUST STOP I DON’T WANT TO HEAR SINGLE THING ABOUT SACHIN RAMESH TENDULKAR, STOP SPAMMING THERE ARE MILLION OTHERS CRAZY HAIRY INDIANS LIKE YOU DOING IT EVERYDAY EVERY MINUTE, I CAN’T BEAR THIS ANYMORE SCREW SACHIN, WE HATE SACHIN FANS AND SACHIN FANATICS ergo now on WE HATE THAT GUY with WEIRD VOCAL CORD”.

I get lump in my throat, I shut up, I shudder my soul and sleep through that night. So, now, I show my happiness not when Sachin hit 4 or 6 (Ravi Shastri still gets happy though, but he can, I can’t), where I used to all the time, remember people throw poop and puke at you, when you do that, and look at you with ferocious reddish face.

So, I get happy when he does something spectacular. Sachin’s fan are becoming dying breed. So, I wait for something crazy to happen.

And it did.

I was reading few Facebook messages; send by known person of mine, who iss son of my teacher I used to go to tuition to learn Maths and Science in grade 9-10.

He was constantly throwing poop and puke at Sachin over internet everyone can see it. He was repeatedly saying Sachin is not match winner anymore, even though he just scored century against Saffa in first test in India. All other batsmen crumbled even chasing SA mammoth score http://www.espncricinfo.com/indvrsa2010/engine/match/441825.html

And I was like here we go, all over again, You can smell those Anti-Sachin bacteria start to get accumulated as soon as Sachin scores and other fails. And the poop and puke began. The ‘S’ word were thrown. And India lost by an inning. Heavy lost, perfect temperature for Anti-Sachin bacteria to grow.

And the bacteria over my Facebook  time line gone rampant and I felt like I got diarrhea.

Then, the 2nd test came. Indian batsmen scored runs. Almost, all did. And that friend of mine continued to poop and puke despite Sachin’s 106. According to him, Sachin was playing for 100 and he should have batted like Dhoni, I was trying to explain but if he would have got his wicket playing Rash shot, Dhoni could have had partnership with him since Badri and Mishra was gone cheaply. And India might not have able to win that test.

But, as I said earlier, it has been extremely difficult to praise Sachin in this modern time. I had to eat poop and puke again.

Then, came the ODI series. But those bacteria on facebook were still growing. And Sachin was run-out for 4 in first one-day. I was like dope! The homer style. And the bacteria reached at exponential growth. I was like I don’t want to sign on facbook today. I had lump in my throat again. I was sad.

I felt like ‘Why am I even watching cricket instead I should be studying?’ It was good thought. And due to time-zone problem, I was unable to watch match anyway. But, that night after regurgitating puke and poop for thousands time for this many for last 5-7 years. Sometimes, you just yell out of frustration as a fan. And before going to bed.

These were my exact thoughts.

“I wish Sachin scores 200 runs tomorrow and India scores 400 runs, that would be the biggest slap on …..Bhai” (he was older than me, and as Indian culture we use suffix ‘Bhai for respect)

And I woke up next morning, and first thing I do as soon as I wake is turn on computer, then wait on bed till it starts, even though I want to poop, the pressure is coming, still I wait till I see scores on cricinfo.

And I can’t believe, it happened, read the Title of Cricinfo. I stared title for 3 minutes. And my hands were up in the air, feast clinched. And Wide Smile on my dimple producing face.

FOR WHOLE 3 MINUTES, I couldn’t smell my armpits, which so closed to my face.

I ANTI-JINXED Sachin.

He scored 200 runs. He did exactly what I wanted him to do before going to bed. I didn’t pray. I just requested it. It was just out of frustration of bacterial growth that was going on over internet.

And when I replied that individual ‘See see he pawned SA. He scored 200. Now eat your shit”

You know what he replied to me.

He told me “haha, now I should do banter more often on him, so he scores”

And I laughed nervously, ‘Saying to myself, f**k this is really bad timing for being Sachin and Sachin Fan’

I know you don’t believe me all who didn’t press on X and continue to read (I don’t know why you are still reading). I don’t blame you, if you don’t believe it. How can I blame you guys of not believing if the guy whom “I saved from 4 High school bullies on first day of new school by kicking lunch box out of school wall in grade 4th and his grade 2nd”,  that who doesn’t believe me either till date.

I replied to my brother on yahoo.

“Me (2/24/2010 12:13:05 PM): to be honest i had a feeling that Sachin might hit 200 tom. before going to sleep .. and it happened wow .. i m not kidding .. seriously its freaky but now it happened .. wow i can’t believe this”

“My Brother (2/28/2010 1:25:51 PM): bullshit”

So, that’s it. This is my sad and happy alternative story of being ‘expecting machine’ from my favorite batsman Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.

It all sounds unreal, well, I don’t mind people believe it or not.

But that one answer from favorite cricketer can make Anemic fan like me into Polysythemia Vera.

Thank You for reading.

The Title of this story should be “Anti-Anti-Sachin Fan”

 

P.S. as Tyler Durden explained before joining in CricketClub “The first rule of Cricket Club is you don’t talk shit about Sachin”

Bacteria may ask, “What is the 2nd rule”

Tyler Replies, “You do not …

And by the way, if you can please buy Book, it might help few young athletes, who could do a lot with little support, because http://AlternativeCricket.com also runs scholarship.