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Anti-Anti-Sachin-Fan – My Alternative Story

23 Jan

There was a competition for submitting Alternative Story on http://paddlesweep.net/win-two-copies-of-the-alternative-cricket-almanack-up-for-grabs/ hosted by @mspr1nt aka Ms. Print and @MI5HRA aka Ankit Mishra on @paddlesweep.

I e-mailed them story, since it was quite a story. The book I suppose to compete for is by @AltCricket, you can find them here http://AlternativeCricket.com . Once I get the book I will do review post. So, apparently, I was one of the fortunate to win a Book. Why? Well, you can find out by reading my story below. 🙂

My Alternative Cricket Story.

Have you ever day dreamed?

I do it all the time, in fact, I have PhD degree in day dreaming. And because of that PhD degree, I have hard time concentrating on my normal easily achieved M.D. degree. My, this story might not qualify for being ‘alternative’ because there are thousands of competitors each day dreaming something should happen before the cricket match begin.

Last 5-7 years, have been very sad years for being Sachin fan.

“Wooohhhh Dude did you just say SACHIN”, now already I can see, few people have already clicked red X button and started to browse cricinfo, or their twitter account.

Now, see this is what I am talking about. It’s been extremely difficult to survive as a Sachin’s fan. And expectation we dream of everyday. People laugh on us. As soon as you tell them,

‘Hey, I am big Sachin fan’, they say, Ughhh they start to puke on your hand and your face. I wipe that face, and trying to explain, why I am Sachin fan, they again try hard to defecate, since they drink less water before going to bed, or less fiber rich food, ergo they put their constipated poop right in front of my mouth.

And I miserably swallow that and hope that my stomach and esophagus don’t rupture due to retching, since they reject that puke and poop.

A great man once have said, “ Sachin’s fans think, Sachin’s fart is like meteor” or something like that.

Do you know, how many kind of people I have to deal with, who hates certain kind of people ,so eventually they hate Sachin, everyday!

Those, who are SMG hater: For some reason (out of blue haha not exactly) SMG announced Sachin should have all records of batting, now people who hated SMG at some point, hate Sachin for no reason. Each runs he makes ‘people will say, see see he is doing exactly what SMG have told him, see see! I tried to argue but Sachin is more attacking ODI! t20! aggression! and  much more humble he is nothing like him, they reply SHUT UP JuSt SHUT up. We HATE smg ergo We HATE Sachin. PERIOD.

Those, who are Computer Software Hardware Dataware Analyst Engineers: These kinds of people have become BIG headache for Sachin fan like me, they usually have basement or one room with 2-3 computers, with high-speed internet, a bit chubby, and very ugly people, who have rarely seen light or played freezbe with their Dog. They come up with some analysis and stats for past 1000 years and history with even Aliens who explained Egyptian how to play cricket, they eventually declare Sachin was never great batsman. Or on the contrary Sachin was the greatest batsman. As soon as people hear this, they just start puke and poop on my face.

Those, who always negate everything whatever you have to say: These are ‘special’ ‘unique’ ‘Judgmental’ ‘Genius viewer of the game’ ‘Pure Species’ ‘THE most Neutral Game Watcher’ kind of people. They will never accept with your opinion. They will come up with something drastic or WOW factor of the game. And they have their own fan base, so as soon as Sachin scores, they come up with special judgment, and their fan base start ‘poop and puke’ all over again right in front of my mouth.

Those, who hates regionalism: They hate regionalism so much, even I hate it, but these individual ‘HATE’ everyone who are from that particular part of the world. They even forget that it’s not Sachin’s fault to be born where lot of poop thing has been done because of some shit politician. What is Sachin fault where he is born and speak same mother tongue as some random douche politician!! So, people who hates individual from that part of world, they hate even Sachin, and throw poop and puke in front of my mouth.

Those, who are atheist: I myself don’t believe there is God, I believe in my parents and my culture. But, certain fanatics, start claiming Sachin = God the Cricket God, those atheist’ blood boils, they just hate the concept of God. I hate it too. But, they just hate the concept so much (since lot of shit has been done because of concept) they hate Sachin, they throw poop and puke at me.

Those, who think he plays for record and not for  the team: These people are worst of all. Whenever, I hear something like that my RBC die prematurely, I become anemic. I feel cold. Still, I can’t cry being man, doing martial art, and being martial art fan. I just can’t cry. (I haven’t cried for last 15 years) So, what happens is, I might have got hidden ulcer about to tear. Or aneurysm about to appear. HOW ON THESE Bleeding Violent Deforesting earth scoring runs going to team’s total looks like he is playing for himself? Sometimes, I feel like let’s just cancel all his runs and request those basement Software engineers to run a software that shows how many times India would have lost the match miserably if it wasn’t for him.

So, you see in this of modern days, it has become extremely difficult to survive as Sachin fan. I can’t tweet, I can’t blog about him often, I can’t show my happiness every time he scores. I can’t yell Sachin….. Sachin ……Sachin people look at me and say

“Dude, are you suffering from something”.

I reply, “no I am just supporting. I am just happy”

“DUDE JUST STOP I DON’T WANT TO HEAR SINGLE THING ABOUT SACHIN RAMESH TENDULKAR, STOP SPAMMING THERE ARE MILLION OTHERS CRAZY HAIRY INDIANS LIKE YOU DOING IT EVERYDAY EVERY MINUTE, I CAN’T BEAR THIS ANYMORE SCREW SACHIN, WE HATE SACHIN FANS AND SACHIN FANATICS ergo now on WE HATE THAT GUY with WEIRD VOCAL CORD”.

I get lump in my throat, I shut up, I shudder my soul and sleep through that night. So, now, I show my happiness not when Sachin hit 4 or 6 (Ravi Shastri still gets happy though, but he can, I can’t), where I used to all the time, remember people throw poop and puke at you, when you do that, and look at you with ferocious reddish face.

So, I get happy when he does something spectacular. Sachin’s fan are becoming dying breed. So, I wait for something crazy to happen.

And it did.

I was reading few Facebook messages; send by known person of mine, who iss son of my teacher I used to go to tuition to learn Maths and Science in grade 9-10.

He was constantly throwing poop and puke at Sachin over internet everyone can see it. He was repeatedly saying Sachin is not match winner anymore, even though he just scored century against Saffa in first test in India. All other batsmen crumbled even chasing SA mammoth score http://www.espncricinfo.com/indvrsa2010/engine/match/441825.html

And I was like here we go, all over again, You can smell those Anti-Sachin bacteria start to get accumulated as soon as Sachin scores and other fails. And the poop and puke began. The ‘S’ word were thrown. And India lost by an inning. Heavy lost, perfect temperature for Anti-Sachin bacteria to grow.

And the bacteria over my Facebook  time line gone rampant and I felt like I got diarrhea.

Then, the 2nd test came. Indian batsmen scored runs. Almost, all did. And that friend of mine continued to poop and puke despite Sachin’s 106. According to him, Sachin was playing for 100 and he should have batted like Dhoni, I was trying to explain but if he would have got his wicket playing Rash shot, Dhoni could have had partnership with him since Badri and Mishra was gone cheaply. And India might not have able to win that test.

But, as I said earlier, it has been extremely difficult to praise Sachin in this modern time. I had to eat poop and puke again.

Then, came the ODI series. But those bacteria on facebook were still growing. And Sachin was run-out for 4 in first one-day. I was like dope! The homer style. And the bacteria reached at exponential growth. I was like I don’t want to sign on facbook today. I had lump in my throat again. I was sad.

I felt like ‘Why am I even watching cricket instead I should be studying?’ It was good thought. And due to time-zone problem, I was unable to watch match anyway. But, that night after regurgitating puke and poop for thousands time for this many for last 5-7 years. Sometimes, you just yell out of frustration as a fan. And before going to bed.

These were my exact thoughts.

“I wish Sachin scores 200 runs tomorrow and India scores 400 runs, that would be the biggest slap on …..Bhai” (he was older than me, and as Indian culture we use suffix ‘Bhai for respect)

And I woke up next morning, and first thing I do as soon as I wake is turn on computer, then wait on bed till it starts, even though I want to poop, the pressure is coming, still I wait till I see scores on cricinfo.

And I can’t believe, it happened, read the Title of Cricinfo. I stared title for 3 minutes. And my hands were up in the air, feast clinched. And Wide Smile on my dimple producing face.

FOR WHOLE 3 MINUTES, I couldn’t smell my armpits, which so closed to my face.

I ANTI-JINXED Sachin.

He scored 200 runs. He did exactly what I wanted him to do before going to bed. I didn’t pray. I just requested it. It was just out of frustration of bacterial growth that was going on over internet.

And when I replied that individual ‘See see he pawned SA. He scored 200. Now eat your shit”

You know what he replied to me.

He told me “haha, now I should do banter more often on him, so he scores”

And I laughed nervously, ‘Saying to myself, f**k this is really bad timing for being Sachin and Sachin Fan’

I know you don’t believe me all who didn’t press on X and continue to read (I don’t know why you are still reading). I don’t blame you, if you don’t believe it. How can I blame you guys of not believing if the guy whom “I saved from 4 High school bullies on first day of new school by kicking lunch box out of school wall in grade 4th and his grade 2nd”,  that who doesn’t believe me either till date.

I replied to my brother on yahoo.

“Me (2/24/2010 12:13:05 PM): to be honest i had a feeling that Sachin might hit 200 tom. before going to sleep .. and it happened wow .. i m not kidding .. seriously its freaky but now it happened .. wow i can’t believe this”

“My Brother (2/28/2010 1:25:51 PM): bullshit”

So, that’s it. This is my sad and happy alternative story of being ‘expecting machine’ from my favorite batsman Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.

It all sounds unreal, well, I don’t mind people believe it or not.

But that one answer from favorite cricketer can make Anemic fan like me into Polysythemia Vera.

Thank You for reading.

The Title of this story should be “Anti-Anti-Sachin Fan”

 

P.S. as Tyler Durden explained before joining in CricketClub “The first rule of Cricket Club is you don’t talk shit about Sachin”

Bacteria may ask, “What is the 2nd rule”

Tyler Replies, “You do not …

And by the way, if you can please buy Book, it might help few young athletes, who could do a lot with little support, because http://AlternativeCricket.com also runs scholarship.

My 3rd Day of Cape Town on Twitter January 4th 2011

5 Jan

“zzz” I wasn’t actually sleeping.

“More off that please.” When Sachin played pull shot to Tsotsobe

“Use the feet against Harris, he is at your feet.” Harris is was so easy to play when you come forward, so I tweeted it. Seeing him getting bounce, because of his height.

“Captown Ghost is still sleeping though.” I was just trying to compare this inning with Sachin’s 169 (which is my all time favorite.

“A guy just tickle-kick a girl to let her know she is on camera!! Dude a respect for a lady please?” I just saw a guy friendly kicked girl, I never kicked girl in my life. Why do you even want to kick a girl anyway!

“Polly is pawning Mike Haysman lol #cricket” Pollock was explaining Tsotsobe’s foot problem. Mike Haysman made a blunder. But, Polly politely corrected him.

“And the candy scream by Tso TSo” Tsotsobe cried when his edged went to 4.

“Bhajji watching this. ?” Few bowls (2) were turning enough by Paul Harris to beat the batsman.

“Scrambled seam #ftw”  Tsotsobe was using scrambled seam short-good length wide pitches to Sachin, and he wasn’t timing it before of Akward pace and bounce from Scrambled seam.

“That wasn’t an edge” Steyn laughed and everyone appealed for an edge, but it wasn’t an edge, umpire rightly got that one.

“Spinbhajan Singh.” I retweeted this. @bigfatphoenix aka Anand Ramachandran

“I am sure others have mentioned it already, India has always played with 4 bowlers.” Sarcastic tweet against commentators claiming Kallis’ bowling will be missed.

“@Slbry That’s why there is captain who can manage 4 bowlers when demanded.” My Reply to this tweet “@Knowledge_Poop Those accustomed to 5 will feel pinched with 4.”

“JP Duminney just stopped his captain’s shot. He should be nervous now.” JP was on for Kallis fielded really well, stopped many runs of Sachin, who was his captain for Mumbai Indians.

“VVS is the word.” VVS smashed 4 to Paul Harris.

“Google Australian Dingo go to images click on first photo.” Do this, you will be surprised 😛

“Peterson is for batting in my fantasy team. Easy there with bowling average. Son.” He was leaking runs. He was in my fantasy team.

“WTF” VVS’ run-out.

“You mother …” Frustration by the way he was run-out.

“WTF VVS was doing, standing and watching. WTF” Frustration after watching replay.

“@AltCricket My 60% hits. :)” reply from @AltCricket @Knowledge_Poop haha you must be proud… who reply to me for my google Australian Dingo Tweet.

“And the crowd is showing their real ass douche character chanting and clapping adding pressure. SHUT UP” Against crowd, SRT was in 90’s.

“Too tall bowler to hit the stump.” Morne Morkel

“Che is protecting SRT. Nice I am off to bed. I will explode. zzz” Pujara took a single to retain the strike, before lunch was called. And I wasn’t sleeping.

“Move Aside Wasim Akram, New Kid is in town? His name is Dale Steyn Too early?” Steyn’s delivery to Pujara just eclipsed Wasim akram’s great delivery, which was given not-out. It swung a LOT.

“Still Captown Ghost is sleeping.” You know what I meant there. 🙂

“Bloody Fighter Plane” Styen’s wicket to Dhoni

“@SpiceBoxofEarth Swann’s strike rate in this ashes has been 75+” I tweeted on @SpiceBoxofEarth Dileep Premachandran’s Tweet.

“I keep reading references to Swann as the world’s best bowler. Not on the planet I inhabit. There’s Steyn, and then daylight.”

“Well that’s one way you can loose the bowl, The Sehwag’s way” Sehwag once in his domestic match said to his partner, when they were having trouble with swing the bowl was producing. He said something like to his partner. We have to loose the bowl. His partner surprised and said what. Then, Sehwag just smashed the bowl right out of the park. So, they lost the bowl. Thus, lost the swing. Bhajji was smashing it that time so I tweeted it’s The Sehwag’s way.

“First attempt by Morne to disturb someone and he tried Sachin” I have never seen Morne Sledge in the whole match, or do anything in  whole match. Sachin was taking single and Morne widened his arm so Sachin can’t take single. It looked friendly obstruction. But, Morne wasn’t laughing.

“They appealed when he didn’t nick it” Appeal which was turned down, and Steyn didn’t appeal properly when Sachin seem to have nicked it. It was not-out clearly when they appealed it properly.

“WOWWW Ian GOuld I am your fan” Ian Gould’s decision, when Steyn’s one of many unplayable bowl passed the out-side edge but kissed the stump but didn’t dislodge the bails. Speed of bowl was 138km. In real time, you have to be very good to catch that.

“@straightpoint I can’t believe it how did he get this one.” My Tweet to @straightpoint pankaj sharma’s tweet “sensational decision…”

“ASHES can gift me the trophy still it doesn’t beat the intensity of this match. So I will decline it.”

“lol… when you can’t dislodge the bails at 138kph, when the fuck can you…. bastard superman, how do you do it?” My Retweet of @achettup

“Now I can go to pee” Over change, wasn’t moving. Match was intense.

“SRT is taking Steyn when India at only 6 down. The highest possible tribute to a bowler. #Newlands #cricket” My Retweet of @cricketingview Kartikeya Date

“Best bowler in the world vs best batsman in the world. Test cricket at its very finest.” My Retweet of @AltCricket

“I’m not bothered about the result. In terms of quality, this is the best Test I’ve watched in years. #cricket #Newlands” My Retweet of @SpiceBoxofEarth Dileep Premachandran

“@SpiceBoxofEarth Durban wasn’t bad either. So, will say this whole series has been fantastic.” My reply to his tweet above.

“Captown ghost is slightly moving his eyes”

“I haven’t slept for whole night.”

“Scrambled Seam SCREW THis Tso Tso”

“@straightpoint I just might if we don’t pull it off. Hard work is done on this. :(” My reply to@straightpoint’s tweet “you won’t regret it either… RT @Knowledge_Poop: I haven’t slept for whole night.”

“Hahah Sachin to Bhajji: Bichme Khada rahe (stand in the middle)”

“and in the meantime… please find a time to take a bow to the curator of this pitch… #newland” My Retweet of @Straightpoint

“Captown ghost slightly opening an eye” Sachin was hitting runs comfortably.

“I’m looking for all those folks who say Sachin has never played a crucial innings when it mattered… you can come out now as hypocrits” My Retweet of @achettup

“@achettup They aren’t hypocrites they are Bacteria, they grow in certain temperature, when he plays and other fails.” My reply to his tweet.

“WTF is this guy on?” Paul Harris was given bowl.

“@straightpoint He is middling everything for last 45 min.” Response to @straightpoint: “this would be one of the most ugly yet most satisfying 100 of sachin…”

“@cricketwballs watching test match right now?” To JRod

“@paddlesweep And he is no way looking like wants to retire anytime soon. :)” My tweet to @paddlesweep’s tweet

“For the record, we never said, in our 500 or so posts, that Sachin doesn’t play well under pressure. So come out you fuckwits, and watch!” His response “@Knowledge_Poop People like Him and Kallis are needed to be revered specially when greats like punter are acting all twattilicious.” My response: “@paddlesweep They both are inspiring each other”

“hahha” Bhajji hit 4 to Paul Harris

“THat turned” This one turned. (he turned 2)

“@Knowledge_Poop Harris turned a ball? #apocalypse #rsavind” @MeikoElektra Meiko Georgouras asked

I replied in later tweet @MeikoElektra Shit Happens. 🙂

“K I am feeling hangover without Alcohol”

“@HomerTweets Honor. Btw. You are my top follower as well. So double honor.”

“62 more to go.”

“Btw. I am not tweeting after this test.”

“@Knowledge_Poop oye… only 162 to go… don’t we need lead… ;)” @straightpoint asked

I replied “@straightpoint 62 to go to level it Sir. Real Match Start afterwards. :)”

“This is going to go only one way. Is Par ya us Par #hindi” Steyn was brought back into attack Bhajji was facing.

“OMG US par it went” Bhajji hit a six to Steyn. It was very well connected. The bowl wasn’t short, it was on a good length. Hard to hit those like this so easily.

“It was so beautiful that he started crying” Bhajj got something in his eyes.

“@DaleSteyn62 LOL” Yup, I teased him of seeing Bhajji hitting six to the world best bowler

“@achettup LOL” my response to @achettup’s tweet “oh man… I can see another monkeygate incident coming up at this rate… Sachin and Bhajji together again…”

“@BugsAndBails And he is missing” my response to @BugsAndBails Rahul B  “Did someone notice SRT hasn’t scored for like 15 balls now? Bhajji has climbed to 33, SRT stuck on 134.” He replied “@Knowledge_Poop Yeah. But has been playing for around 300 balls. Seems tired.” I replied “@BugsAndBails He was middling everything before Bhajji got whole lot ofstrike he lost strike and missing.Well He can’t tire,now, lot to play”

“SRT now has more Test hundreds in SA than any other visiting batsman – 5. Hammond and Harvey have 4.” My retweet of cricketingview Kartikeya Date

“@paddlesweep That delivery just beat this onehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL6Bb1HBrIU Unplayable.” My response to

@paddlesweep Paddle Sweep’s frustrated tweet seeing scorecard “I am worried about the next generation indian team. WTF Pujara. See you after tea”
“Zzz”
The end

I could not watch whole day match.

But this was my Golden Moment of Tweeting and Watching Cricket.

We can forget Tweets and Blogs, but memories are unforgettable.

Thank You India and South Africa for these memories.

Cricket Fantasy Part-1

13 Nov

Am I going to get selected for any international cricket team ?

No

So, here are my Random Cricket Fantasies.

1. I want to ball 6 balls to Sachin, and if I beat him once that means I had a chance of becoming cricketer, but I just didn’t choose to be.

2. I want to face Shane Warne for an over, and if I hit at least one boundary, I think he is scorable.

3. I want to be non-striker batsman of Virender Sehwag.

4. I want to own Sachin’s that rusty blackish bat that he is using. (the one that he scored 200 runs with)

5. I want to arm-wrestle with J. Kallis.

6. I want to understand what Ponting is saying, well, now I do, but couldn’t when I was young, but I want to learn how to do that so I can save time. (Time is money)

7. I want Daniel Vettori’s glasses. Well, he can use mine. But I heard his had magic.

8. I want to chew gum like Yusuf Pathan

9. I want to touch Doug Bollinger’s hair.

10. I want to learn how to hold bat like A. Razzak.

Well, Today this is enough. I will come with more of 10 Cricket Fantasy.

I just made up this in 2-3 minutes, as I tweeted.

 

 

 

*These fantasy are exclusively copyright, I can sue you. If you have them.

 

-Monkey